my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
