She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
