my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
