yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
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