My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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