Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
