I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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