dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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