the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
