he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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