That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
there is glitter all over my balls
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I'm really busy with my period
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