I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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