this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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