Cold hands, warm shart.
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
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