neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
