Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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