I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
you win again, gameday.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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