we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
