how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
