I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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