i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
