Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
