my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
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