worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
