I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize