OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
