you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
