I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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