just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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