It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
