hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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