You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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