it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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