U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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