im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
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