she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
