Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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