You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
