she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
