my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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