If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
