I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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