I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
