i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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