every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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