i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
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