You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
