Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
