Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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