Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
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