Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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