Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
