At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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