I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
