I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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