I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
