Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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