I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
